Top 10 “Comebacks” When Asked About Your Pills


Originally published on CYSTIC-L in May, 1995.

  • I’m an extraterrestrial, and these are supplements I have to take to stay alive on your wretched earth.
  • I’m an undercover police agent trying to establish a “druggie” image, and you’re blowing my cover.
  • I’m a psychology student doing a survey on the inquisitiveness/obnoxiousness of various cultures, and so far, on this continent, YOU WIN !!!
  • I won a sweepstakes for a lifetime of vitamin supplements, and I’m taking all the water-soluble ones now. Would you like a few hundred grams of Vitamin A?
  • It’s the latest Oprah Winfrey diet.
  • It’s the latest Susan Powter diet.
  • It’s the latest Bill Clinton diet.
  • I’ve just swallowed a self-detonating capsule. Please clear the area!
  • It was the plans for the Iranian Nuclear Device. You should thank me!
  • It was supposed to help me reduce my stress…. But then, you’re still here.

  • It’s to prevent gas from the lower tract.. BELIEVE ME, you’ll want me to take this.
  • Pill? What pill? There’s no pill. You must be seeing things. Maybe you need a pill.
  • This pill is equipped with a very small camera. I’m filming my own version of “The Incredible Journey” for science class.
  • It’s an aphrodisiac — part of a sex study down at the university. The other part is they pay me to have sex with gorgeous members of the opposite sex.
  • It’s an illicit drug. But don’t worry. Because I have presidential aspirations, I won’t swallow.
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