Originally published on CYSTIC-L in May, 1995.
- I’m an extraterrestrial, and these are supplements I have to take to stay alive on your wretched earth.
- I’m an undercover police agent trying to establish a “druggie” image, and you’re blowing my cover.
- I’m a psychology student doing a survey on the inquisitiveness/obnoxiousness of various cultures, and so far, on this continent, YOU WIN !!!
- I won a sweepstakes for a lifetime of vitamin supplements, and I’m taking all the water-soluble ones now. Would you like a few hundred grams of Vitamin A?
- It’s the latest Oprah Winfrey diet.
- It’s the latest Susan Powter diet.
- It’s the latest Bill Clinton diet.
- I’ve just swallowed a self-detonating capsule. Please clear the area!
- It was the plans for the Iranian Nuclear Device. You should thank me!
- It was supposed to help me reduce my stress…. But then, you’re still here.
- It’s to prevent gas from the lower tract.. BELIEVE ME, you’ll want me to take this.
- Pill? What pill? There’s no pill. You must be seeing things. Maybe you need a pill.
- This pill is equipped with a very small camera. I’m filming my own version of “The Incredible Journey” for science class.
- It’s an aphrodisiac — part of a sex study down at the university. The other part is they pay me to have sex with gorgeous members of the opposite sex.
- It’s an illicit drug. But don’t worry. Because I have presidential aspirations, I won’t swallow.
PLUS THESE BONUS EXTRAS!